Mid morning musings

 The great thing about about a gray, snowy/rainy/sleety day is that it mostly hides the view of the factory from my front window. The city is quieter, not as many cars on the road. Plus, ever since I was a child, I have always wished for snow on my birthday. A fresh clean coat of white on the world. Usually, I got it, and lots of it. More than enough to scoop up and bring into the house in a cup, pour some grape Hi-C over it, and have a real snow cone. That was one of the joys back then.

I only bring that up because tomorrow is my birthday. It's a big one. But I'll be celebrating small. My daughter offered to make a big deal of it, have a big party, but meh. It's the wrong season for a big party. No one is in the mood, including me. It's just another number, anyway, and it's not one I like looking at. I opted for a sushi dinner out with my daughter and my best friend instead, and that sounds just perfect to me. Next weekend, I'll go to see my friend perform at a comedy club. I like to have a month of birthday rather than just one day, with little celebrations here and there. I always gave my kids a birthday month, with many surprises on various days. I used to have the money to do that. Trips to Disneyland, Disney World, Busch Gardens, Great America. Now they are grown, and I am broke, and they don't want anything much for their birthdays. They are both doing very well and they do so much more for me than I can do for them right now. I guess that's fair, but I still wish we were all doing well. Sometimes I feel like I never will be again. A hard thing to accept. That's where gratitude comes in. Things could always be worse. I am healthy, fit, I have a home, clothing, food, friends, fun times. I've learned a million ways to economize and still have the things I like in my life. 

Today I received an order of fragrance oils, and I'm going to try them out by adding a bit to the melted wax on the top of candles I've made. I got violet (of course), lily and lilac, peaches and cream, and jasmine scents. They smell good in the bottle, but I have to try them out to be sure.

At my former job, we went through tons and tons of pillar candles and tea light candles. They just threw them away, often with a lot of wax left in them. So I kept them, took them home, melted them down, scrubbed out the glass pillars and made new candles. I can't stand wastefulness. You would think a yoga studio would have more green sensibility. Do they ever think about the mountain of garbage in landfills in this world? Well, that was just one of the disappointing things about that studio, among the many non-yogic attitudes and actions that really bothered me. It's a shame. I put up with it as long as I could, tried to be a positive example, and in any case I took many good things with me when I left, metaphorically and tangible things. I'm focusing on those, and letting the rest go. So my remade candles aren't perfect, I am learning as I go. One thing I have definitely learned is the value of wired wicks. I'll use up the plain wicks I bought, but next time I'll definitely go for those. Without wire, the wax melts unevenly and the wick flops over and becomes embedded in the melted wax.

 

The picture in the background was painted for me by my wonderful grandmother, Charlotte Lorraine, when I was a baby. It hung on my bedroom wall when I was a child, then at some point it got stored away for many years. Badly stored by my mother, who is a heavy smoker and doesn't take good care of anything that matters. It's quite damaged and had to have layers of tobacco smoke grime scrubbed off it (thank goodness it's oil paint), but I had it professionally framed after cleaning and it now gets the daily love and appreciation it so deserves. The angel on the corner was also among her possessions that I acquired when she passed away. I treasure them all more than anything.

Over the past month or so, I've gotten back into my winter habit of growing tons of sprouts in jars. And now, as usual, I've grown so much that I'm sick of them. But here's a bunch on top of an open face tuna melt sandwich. They really are nutritional powerhouses, and very tasty. This is a blend of red clover, broccoli and radish sprouts. It's so easy and cheap to do, and you get tons of antioxidants and vitamins without dragging home sacks of heavy fruits and vegetables. When you have to drag them up the stairs to your apartment, that becomes an issue. One of the many times I miss my son.

Camera Obscura

So my resolution to blog every day for a year fell apart, obviously. I've felt more scattered than usual, and have just been doing what I can to keep it together and move forward. It's hard. But life is hard. Not just for me, for all of us, and there is nothing I have to do that everyone doesn't have to do. That's what I keep telling myself. Buck up, carry on, keep going. Keep exercising, keep eating right, stay positive. Don't give in to fear, don't dwell on the worst possible things that could happen. Worrying never prevented anything, and worry never fixed anything, so it's pointless. Take one action, just do one thing. Practice gratitude.

I know things will get better. They always do. And then something else happens. And then things get better again. It's life. We do what we can and we let it go, what we can't control, or drive ourselves crazy trying. Winter is always the hardest time of the year for me to stay positive. I really suffer with seasonal affective disorder. I lose motivation, I hibernate, I procrastinate. I fight it by forcing myself to attend social events, which really does help while I'm doing it, but I'm also aware that the time I spend having fun is not really getting me anywhere. So then I come home and instantly feel bad again. I do know that I am not the only one who feels this way, which helps a little. I just really really want to get on my bike and ride by the lake and smell the flowers and feel the sun on my skin. Spring cannot come soon enough.

I took a long walk on one of the fairly nice days, after our major 16+" snowfall/blizzard over the holidays. Two miles exactly, according to Google mapping. I took pictures along the way, which appeared symbolic of my current sad, scared, lost and confused inner state of being. So here we go.

21 years old, and he died this fall with his bike
under the wheels of a car, a block from my front door.

Questions, endings, advising arrows reflect my
internal conflict over which way to go now.

Sunday and Salsa Ver-Day

My daughter gave me this cool set of beautiful bronze colored nonstick pizza pans for Christmas, and I tried them out today.

I've never successfully kneaded dough by hand, so for several years I used a bread machine. It worked well, but it took so long and made vertically tall and horizontally short loaves. Funhouse sandwiches, anyone? Then I found a handheld Kitchenaid 5 speed mixer that came with regular beaters plus a stick blender attachment and dough hooks (!!!) on clearance for $25.00 a few months ago. It was life changing. I gave the bread machine to my daughter and never looked back.

 

So today I started mixing up my usual pizza dough recipe, la la la, doop de doo...but, ummm, why does this dough feel weird?

It feels weird because it is weird. Because you grabbed the wrong flour, genius girl. (My daughter is gluten intolerant, so I have brown rice flour on hand for baking when she's here.) So, I just kept going with it; not going to waste food. Not now, not evah. Warning: inappropriate/hilarious video.

 

The label I misread...my own abbreviations did me in. A quick glance with my not-so-good glasses had told me I had BRF = bread flour, when I actually had BRF=brown rice flour. Now it's been put in a jar, unmistakably labeled.

The dough actually did rise, after an hour near a sunny window. It had a little bit of whole wheat flour and a little added gluten, so I guess that helped. The dough felt like gritty playdough. I baked them up, and they came out quite hard, but still edible. They taste fine, actually, not that I would ever make them with this messed up recipe again, but edible is good.                 

 

Then it was time to make the salsa verde. I spent many summer days cleaning, scoring and roasting countless tomatillos to fill the freezer. Note to self: never again plant five tomatillo plants. I just love chili verde, though, so all of them will be put to good use. 

Tomatillos, red onions, cilantro, good olive oil, garlic, salt, pepper, cumin, coriander, and fresh squeezed lemon and orange juices, since I ran out of limes. Soooo good, you don't even know. I really wish you could taste these pictures. 

 You may have noticed I like to save and reuse glass jars. I try to have as little plastic in my food and life as possible.

This. Tastes. Like. So. Good.

 

End result: mostly gluten free "toothsome" pizza crust, refried black beans, mozzarella cheese, salsa verde, and sour cream. I ate one and a half of these guys, and then immediately took a Sunday nap.

Peace.